Post Whoring Newbie Thread
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the front door, and ran straight to my car.
Lo and behold, when I got to my car, I saw my entire future family standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test..... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the front door, and ran straight to my car.
Lo and behold, when I got to my car, I saw my entire future family standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test..... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single.
Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality
whispering:
Dave.................you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard !!!!
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single.
Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality
whispering:
Dave.................you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard !!!!
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
more of a Lily Allen day for me...... and yes it is NSFW if you even have to ask..... 
Lily Allen - **** You with Lyrics - YouTube
Lily Allen - **** You with Lyrics - YouTube
Senior Member
MotoGP
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,871
From: Phoenix, AZ
Senior Member
MotoGP
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,871
From: Phoenix, AZ
Senior Member
MotoGP
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,871
From: Phoenix, AZ
Well I broke a Superhawk every 6 months and then bought another one, so have owned 15 of them.
Which now has sidetracked me to Bloodhound Gang:
Bloodhound gang - why's everybody always pickin' on me? - YouTube
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."
On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
Here's another: "it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
Here's another: "it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther
away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida ?????'
one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther
away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida ?????'
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can
I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can
I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, 'PULL OVER !'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, 'PULL OVER !'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A young, very attractive redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
"You're not really a redhead, are you?" says the doctor.
"No," she admits. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," said the doctor.
"But how did you know?" asks the woman.
"Your finger is broken," says the doctor.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
"You're not really a redhead, are you?" says the doctor.
"No," she admits. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," said the doctor.
"But how did you know?" asks the woman.
"Your finger is broken," says the doctor.
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
Little Johnny: "Mom, how old are you?
Mom: "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Little Johnny: "How much do you weigh mom?"
Mom: "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Little Johnny: "Why did Daddy leave you?"
Mom: "You shouldn't ask that. Go to your room".
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know everything. You are 44 years old, weigh 145 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!
Mom: "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Little Johnny: "How much do you weigh mom?"
Mom: "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Little Johnny: "Why did Daddy leave you?"
Mom: "You shouldn't ask that. Go to your room".
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know everything. You are 44 years old, weigh 145 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!
