Post Whoring Newbie Thread
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 57..)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****?
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****?
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now go ask her to explain that to you.'
Senior Member
MotoGP
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,871
From: Phoenix, AZ
Panda walks into a bar and sits down. He sits down and orders a burger from the bartender. After he is finished eating it, he pulls out a gun and shoots the guy next to him. Surprised, the bartender says "What the hell, why'd you do that!?
The panda looks at him and replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up." He proceeds to get up and walk out.
Later that night, the bartender opens up a dictionary and it reads, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."
The panda looks at him and replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up." He proceeds to get up and walk out.
Later that night, the bartender opens up a dictionary and it reads, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
A young engineer was leaving the office at 4.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."*
*
*
*
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."*
*
*
*
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
Transiting Iranian airspace
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all
aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense
Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian
airspace.
The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: (total silence)
WARMS MY HEART..........SEMPER FI
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all
aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense
Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian
airspace.
The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: (total silence)
WARMS MY HEART..........SEMPER FI
Senior Member
Back Marker
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 108
From: NW London UK
A variation that has been around for ages,
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Sorry guys!
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Sorry guys!
Last edited by Furrybiker; Oct 7, 2010 at 11:24 AM. Reason: Apologies!
Moderate-whore
MotoGP
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 9,052
From: Leander TX!!
And for my big 4 oh....40th, I am buying my self an STI..
www.stiguns.com in particular the "Guardian" in .45 acp... http://www.stiguns.com/guns/Guardian/Guardian.php
www.stiguns.com in particular the "Guardian" in .45 acp... http://www.stiguns.com/guns/Guardian/Guardian.php
Banned
MotoGP
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 5,942
From: Lake View Terrace, CA
LAWYERS AND FARMERS
The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.
He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Queensland Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.'
'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the program?'
'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him into the course.'
So father sends down the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the reading class!'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'
As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.
At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem...When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.
When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still r**ting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that b**tard before he blabs to your Mother!'
'I already did, Dad!'
'Good boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful Lawyer.
The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.
He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Queensland Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.'
'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the program?'
'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him into the course.'
So father sends down the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the reading class!'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'
As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.
At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem...When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.
When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still r**ting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that b**tard before he blabs to your Mother!'
'I already did, Dad!'
'Good boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful Lawyer.
