Post Whoring Newbie Thread
12-21-2011, 07:02 PM
Senior Member
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 231
An interior gateway protocol (IGP) is a routing protocol that is used to exchange routing information within an autonomous system (AS).
In contrast, an Exterior Gateway Protocol (EGP) is for determining network reachability between autonomous systems and makes use of IGPs to resolve routes within an AS.
In contrast, an Exterior Gateway Protocol (EGP) is for determining network reachability between autonomous systems and makes use of IGPs to resolve routes within an AS.
12-21-2011, 07:03 PM
Senior Member
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 231
A Media Access Control address (MAC address) is a unique identifier assigned to network interfaces for communications on the physical network segment. MAC addresses are used for numerous network technologies and most IEEE 802 network technologies, including Ethernet. Logically, MAC addresses are used in the Media Access Control protocol sub-layer of the OSI reference model.
12-21-2011, 07:04 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 231
The Open Systems Interconnection model (OSI model) is a product of the Open Systems Interconnection effort at the International Organization for Standardization. It is a prescription of characterizing and standardizing the functions of a communications system in terms of abstraction layers. Similar communication functions are grouped into logical layers. An instance of a layer provides services to its upper layer instances while receiving services from the layer below.
12-21-2011, 07:05 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 231
If you're looking for some good networking tools and such....
Armory - Packet Life
For wifi scanning SSIDer is pretty good.
Armory - Packet Life
For wifi scanning SSIDer is pretty good.
12-21-2011, 07:07 PM
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Posts: 231
Corridor Digital
Brush with Death
Brush with Death
12-21-2011, 07:10 PM
Senior Member
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 231
12-23-2011, 10:35 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
Way back in the hills of West Virginia, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Aint dat grand!!
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!!" She a pretty lil ting, too....
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Aint dat grand!!
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!!" She a pretty lil ting, too....
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
12-24-2011, 05:24 AM
Retired- but not tired!
SuperBike
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 1,478
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a
tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to
clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't
dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12
gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped
laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ***?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always
wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by
being stupid...
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to
clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't
dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12
gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped
laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ***?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always
wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by
being stupid...
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
01-19-2012, 10:47 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area", which was compounded by its close proximity to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but Obama-Care turned you down."
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area", which was compounded by its close proximity to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but Obama-Care turned you down."
01-19-2012, 10:50 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", her husband responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", her husband responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.
01-19-2012, 10:51 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
- It takes seven seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
- A human hair can hold 3 Kg suspended (6.6 lbs).
- The length of an erect ***** is three times the length of the thumb.
- The femur is as hard and dense as concrete.
- Women's hearts beat faster then men's.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- We use over 300 individual muscles just to stand upright.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.
01-19-2012, 10:52 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
The doctor said......
'Daniel...... the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.'
'You have a very rare condition
which causes your ********* to press on your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.
When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years. But I felt like I was missing an important part of myself.
As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person.
I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit...'
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's exactly right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'
I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said,
'Let's see, 34" sleeves and 16-1/2" neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!
I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 32.
A size 32 would press your ********* up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $800.
New shirt - $70.
New underwear - $12.
Second opinion - PRICELESS!
'Daniel...... the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.'
'You have a very rare condition
which causes your ********* to press on your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.
When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years. But I felt like I was missing an important part of myself.
As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person.
I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit...'
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's exactly right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'
I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said,
'Let's see, 34" sleeves and 16-1/2" neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!
I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 32.
A size 32 would press your ********* up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $800.
New shirt - $70.
New underwear - $12.
Second opinion - PRICELESS!
01-19-2012, 10:54 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
01-19-2012, 10:57 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
Dear Technical Support,
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.
01-19-2012, 10:58 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
An old married couple driving along a backroad accidentally run over a skunk, the man whom was driving pulls over and they both get out of the car and rush back to the poor wounded animal, it is alive but gravely injured. The husband, a life long animal lover instructs his wife to pick up the skunk and they will rush it to the Vet nearby.
His wife of 50 years exclaims "How will I hold him?"
he replys "Put him in your lap"
With shock in her voice she quips,"But what about the smell"
He climbs into the car and mumbles under his breath, "It'll get used to it, ..I did"
His wife of 50 years exclaims "How will I hold him?"
he replys "Put him in your lap"
With shock in her voice she quips,"But what about the smell"
He climbs into the car and mumbles under his breath, "It'll get used to it, ..I did"
01-19-2012, 10:59 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
An out of work ventriloquist was sitting at the bar of a trading station in New Mexico, just outside the local reservation. One of the locals rode up with his dog that was herding along a few sheep. So the ventriloquist said to the shopkeeper, “ I’m going to have some fun with this Indian.”
When the Indian comes in the guy comments on his nice horse and asks if he can go talk to it. The Indian shrugs and orders a beer. So the guy goes out and feigns a conversation with the horse and comes back in. Then he says to the Indian, “Your horse says you ride him hard, never feed him, and you beat him when he feels bad.”
The Indian just shrugs. “I’m going to talk to your dog, okay?” The Indian shrugs. So the guy goes out to talk to the dog and comes back in. “ Your dog concurs, you kick him when he’s hungry, you make him sleep outdoors and you never pet him. The Indian shrugs.
“Well, I’m going to talk to your sheep.”
The Indian stands up and says, ”No, sheep lie.”
When the Indian comes in the guy comments on his nice horse and asks if he can go talk to it. The Indian shrugs and orders a beer. So the guy goes out and feigns a conversation with the horse and comes back in. Then he says to the Indian, “Your horse says you ride him hard, never feed him, and you beat him when he feels bad.”
The Indian just shrugs. “I’m going to talk to your dog, okay?” The Indian shrugs. So the guy goes out to talk to the dog and comes back in. “ Your dog concurs, you kick him when he’s hungry, you make him sleep outdoors and you never pet him. The Indian shrugs.
“Well, I’m going to talk to your sheep.”
The Indian stands up and says, ”No, sheep lie.”
01-19-2012, 11:00 AM
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MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
Newlywed couple right after the wedding ceremony:
He: Oh yeah. At last.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: What's on your mind?
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Same couple after few years of being married (just read form down – up)
He: Oh yeah. At last.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: What's on your mind?
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Same couple after few years of being married (just read form down – up)
01-19-2012, 11:02 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and they are things people actually said in court, word-for-word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
01-19-2012, 11:03 AM
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MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Sheila!
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Sheila!
01-19-2012, 11:03 AM
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MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
01-19-2012, 11:03 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
01-19-2012, 11:04 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
01-19-2012, 11:04 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
01-19-2012, 11:05 AM
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
